Since I've Been Loving You
by Apocalyptic-Fairytale
Summary: "Since I've been loving you I'm about to lose my worried mind." - Cloud's POV during the night he had to deliver a bouquet of flowers to the Forgotten City. Angst CloudxAerith CloudxAeris Clourith Clerith Cleris Clourith


Been workin' from seven to eleven every night, delivering the things people need all over the world. Revisiting the places I once walked with you… and_ it really does make life a drag_. _I've really been the best of fools_. Been doing what I could. Yeah, I've been trying my best to act like I'm happy. Like I'm moving on. _I had to at least try and_ appear happy… _for you_, because _I know you_ wouldn't want me wasting my life in sorrow. But, I don't think it's working out too good…

'_Cause I love you._

_But baby since I've been loving you_ _I'm about to lose my worried mind_.

"Shall I join you?" Tifa asked in a calm tone.

Without taking my eyes off of the empty glass in my hand I answered coldly and vacantly; "I want to drink alone." I didn't feel like talking, not to her, not to anyone… not now.

I must have pissed her off because her calm tone now sounded like a growl; "Then drink in your room."

Despite the loud sound of the alcohol bottle slamming down on the counter, my eyes remained on the empty glass. I waited until I heard her angered footsteps travel out of the room before I went to grab the bottle of booze, my hand fumbling not only from the dark but because how much I already drank. Just as the _gold-tinted_ liquid began to rush into my glass I heard her room door slam shut, a sign of how pissed she really was.

_But I didn't care_.

I poured as much of the alcohol into the tiny glass as I could get, until it overflowed and made small pools on the counter top, a sign I should stop pouring and drink all ready. So, I did. I drained the glass quicker than I filled it, hoping to nip at the mountain of pain burning inside of me.

But, as I thought,

_it didn't do much_.

The stinging sensation of its bitter taste was just a clear indication of what I was trying to numb—the guilt I'm carrying… the never ending pain of failing you... _and the agonizingly depressing thought of being here without you._

I had to deliver a bouquet of flowers for your mother today, destination was the Forgotten City… _the place you died_.

I can't lie, I was… _hesitant_ on going there—_more like terrified_.

I was afraid of going back there because it's the one place I have nightmares about. _The place I lost you._ The place where you and I were torn apart from each other… _the place where I failed you when you needed me most._

I can still remember that day clearly, the cold feel of your body in my arms. The stains of blood on your pink dress. The chilling ache burning in my heart… all of it I relive every night. It's half the reason why I don't sleep much anymore; I don't want to keep reliving that day. _Just thinking about it makes me want to down this whole bottle of booze._

I poured another full glass of alcohol and immediately gulped it down, hoping that _this_ was the drink that will _finally numb the pain_.

_Have I mentioned I'm about to lose my mind?_

It seems like the only time I can dull this hellish reality is when I'm drowning myself in a bottle of alcohol.

_Since I've been loving you_, _alcohol seems like oxygen now_—my body and mind will need it _as long as I ache for your touch… your glance… your breath… your heartbeat… as long as I ache for you I'll hunger for the blurry reality of alcohol.  
_

Everyone keeps telling me things get better as we go, I'm finding that hard to believe. I've tried until I can't try anymore… and the ache seems stronger now than it did the day I lost you.

…_I need another shot…_

Instead of pouring a glass this time I took a swig off of the bottle—_I'm going to drain the bottle myself anyway... _

When the pain gets stronger than usual, I visit the place you loved— _your _church… _our_ church. It really is the one place I feel the happiest at. Besides this booze, it's the only thing that makes the pain of losing you hurt less.

I wouldn't tell anyone this, but, I think I can feel you strongest there… I don't really give a damn how crazy it sounds to others—_it brings me closer to you and that's all that matters. _It's the place I run to when _I'm dying inside_ to just _feel you closer_... even if you're not really there.

_...I swear I can hear your voice there… _but it's hard to tell. Lately the fine line between reality and the fiction of my mind have been threading together.

I'm sorry I don't ever try and speak back when I hear you. I do it out of fear you won't answer. I'm scared to death of you not answering… because if you don't… it will mean you really aren't real—that I really am just starting to lose my mind to madness. I guess the craziest thing about it is that… I really don't mind either way_… as long as I can hear your voice a little longer it_, it's worth going mad over.

The pains getting stronger now … _I need another shot…_

Just thinking about that church reminds me of when we met… you looked so beautiful, smiling so innocently. I had never seen such an amazing smile before, even to this very day.

_Since I've been loving you,_ I die inside every time I want to see your smile _and there's no way to_.

…_I really need another shot…_

I took another swig off the quickly draining bottle, the bitter taste a symbol of everything I regret. I must have taken a bigger drink this time because as soon the numbing liquid made it down my throat_ I realized the bottle was run dry_. I glanced up at the clock, noticing I had only been here for a few hours. The sound of the clock ticking away taunted me, assuring me that a new day was about to start… _just one more day I would live without you._ I pushed the empty bottle away from me, its glass-casing thudding across the counter as I scooted it away from me. I placed some money on the counter, making sure to pay for what I took.

_I had finished another bottle all to myself..._ It was supposed to have taken away the pain from losing you but… nothing.

_Maybe I just didn't drink enough?_

No, that's not it… I could finish off a dozen more bottles of any liquor and it still wouldn't change a thing. The pain would still be there and _you would still be gone_. Only _your smiling face can take away this pain..._

…_I'd do anything for another smile…_


End file.
